Deck the Halls

Posted by Alicia On Monday, December 20, 2010 0 comments

Santa's Helpers

Posted by Alicia On Thursday, December 16, 2010 0 comments

With Christmas approaching we've been watching some holiday movies to get in the spirit of things. The cute and joyful elves, running around a workshop making toys, getting Santa hot chocolate and having snowball fights were not always the type of creatures whom Santa associated himself with. These are the upbeat, positive men and women known as "Santa's Little Helpers". This is modern Santa. Jolly Santa. DULL Santa. The St. Nick of yore, however, ran with a more interesting crowd.

Brief history lesson: Saint Nicholas was the bringer of gifts. But there can be no mistaking the fact that Santa is an anagram for Satan. Back in the day Saint Nicholas was joined by a companion who has gone by many names but most often resembled the traditional horned image of the Devil. Saint Nicholas was the was the good man who gave out rewards, while his companion - whether he was known as Krampus, Knecht Ruprecht, Klaubauf, Pelznickel, Belsnickel, Hans Muff, Drapp, Le Père Fouettard or Zwarte Piet - was the other side of the coin.

Now, I say that this man/creature was the jolly man's companion, but it was much worse than that. Saint Nicholas wasn't going out for beers with this guy after a night of gift giving and/or whipping. This relationship was hierarchical and Saint Nick used this men for his bidding. The servants that accompany Saint Nicholas often wore black and carried a sack and switches. Now of course a saint doesn't want to get his hands dirty with the blood of innocent children. But to cast a man (or in some cases a half man/half goat hybrid) into indentured servitude and on top of that, force that man to kidnap, drown or beat small children does implicate the gift giving, red robe wearing "saint" in some forms of evil doing.

So enjoy this holiday, centered around a tradition of beating children and stuffing them in sacks.

Favourites Friday

Posted by Alicia On Friday, December 10, 2010 0 comments

@robhuebel At your office Christmas Party keep mentioning words like "revenge" and "weapons cache" and "humiliation" and "rage boner".

@friedmanjon If Yogi Bear can purchase his own tie, collar, and hat then there's no excuse for stealing sandwiches.

@zepadeedoodah I'm too apathetic to eat passion fruit.

@KFUCKINGP My last meal? I want to go out like I fucking came in. Breastfed.

@zepadeedoodah I've done over 100 sit downs today.

@JimGaffigan I seem to be most tired when I’m awake.

@badbanana Remember, it takes fewer muscles to flip someone off than it does to give a high five.

@StephenAtHome A scientist has found the most boring day in history was April 11th, 1954. I assume that doesn't count the day spent figuring that out.

@DearAnyone Hey, adults. Let's let kids have the word "tummy". We don't need it.

@roughdiction These headphones drown out the voices that tell me to kill you.

Irritability

Posted by Alicia On Friday, December 3, 2010 0 comments

Extreme reactions to stimuli, I have them. So what if I live with someone who slurps drinks, hot or cold? I don't believe that people are "made for each other" or "soulmates", but if I did, I would know that I must be with the person I'm supposed to be with because he is a loud eater and I am a very irritable person and I have not killed him yet.


A true love story.

Resume

Posted by Alicia On Wednesday, December 1, 2010 0 comments

Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp;
Guns aren't lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.

- Dorothy Parker