@robhuebel At your office Christmas Party keep mentioning words like "revenge" and "weapons cache" and "humiliation" and "rage boner".
@friedmanjon If Yogi Bear can purchase his own tie, collar, and hat then there's no excuse for stealing sandwiches.
@zepadeedoodah I'm too apathetic to eat passion fruit.
@KFUCKINGP My last meal? I want to go out like I fucking came in. Breastfed.
@zepadeedoodah I've done over 100 sit downs today.
@JimGaffigan I seem to be most tired when I’m awake.
@badbanana Remember, it takes fewer muscles to flip someone off than it does to give a high five.
@StephenAtHome A scientist has found the most boring day in history was April 11th, 1954. I assume that doesn't count the day spent figuring that out.
@DearAnyone Hey, adults. Let's let kids have the word "tummy". We don't need it.
@roughdiction These headphones drown out the voices that tell me to kill you.
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