I'm a mother. It's been 7 weeks and that word still looks like it shouldn't be used to describe me. Mother. It's not a word that I ever really thought would apply to me. It's not a job that I ever thought I would be able to manage. But, seven weeks in I'm managing just fine. In fact, this is a job that I've had the least training and experience with but out of all jobs I've had, I'm enjoying the most. And I think I'm actually excelling at it. Instinct and intuition are weird.
I'm not saying it's easy. In fact, in those first two sleep deprived, hormone filled postpartum weeks I wanted to go back to work and give this job to someone else almost every hour. Parenting has a really steep learning curve. You have to learn on the job at something you've never done before and you hold a tiny little life in the balance. There are no do-overs. No Ctrl-Z. I don't want to be too over dramatic here though. I'm sure I'm not doing everything right. I'm just making sure the essentials are taken care of for him. Feed him. Burp him. Bathe him. Change him. Put him to sleep.
At first the little guy didn't do too much. He just slept and ate, slept and ate. But now, he is much more interactive. He recognizes me, studies my face, smiles and coos and stares at himself in his play gym mirror. He makes me laugh constantly. He only cries when he needs something, be it food, a change or a cuddle. But enough bragging...
I love seeing other people enjoy him. I have such a sense of pride that I can honestly say I have never felt about anything else in my entire life. I imagine that it will only get better from here.
On Saturday, December 3rd at 5am I started feeling what I thought might possibly be the beginning of labour. By that afternoon, I was sure it was labour. And by that night...oh mama, the labour. That afternoon we put up our Christmas tree and went to the store to find replacement lights. That night, we had a nap and watched a movie. At around midnight we decided to go to bed but there was no way I could sleep. I would start to drift off but then the pain would wake me up every few minutes. After trying to convince me to head to the hospital many times, at about 2am I agreed. I didn't want to head there too early since if you are less than 4cm dilated, they will just send you home.
The car ride there was exciting, scary and felt like it lasted forever. When we got to the hospital, we went up to labour and delivery. Sean said to the nurse at the desk "We think she's in labour", to which I replied, "No, we know I'm in labour, we just don't know if I should be here yet". They put us in a waiting room and after a few more contractions, they took me to a room to check me. There was a television on in the room that was airing "1000 Ways to Die" and Sean and I exchanged looks. As if this day wasn't surreal enough. I'm in a hospital, having a nurse tell me I will probably have a baby that day and it's all to the soundtrack of "1000 Ways to Die".
They admitted me to a nice, large delivery room that had a shower in the attached washroom. It was the room I wanted when we did the hospital tour. Things were looking up. It was now after 3am on December 4th and we were both dead tired. It was a perfect chance to get some sleep. The only problem was, with my contractions getting closer and stronger, there was no sleeping. Sean tried to catch a bit of sleep, however, so that he wasn't falling asleep when I needed him most.
I don't really remember many details about that day as it progressed. The nurses were awesome. I sat on an exercise ball for a while, I walked around for a while and then after they had to break my water, I was bed ridden for the rest of the labour.
They couldn't get the information they wanted on the monitors using belts across my stomach so they had to palpate my belly during each contraction. I must say, this was the most annoying part about my labour. I really just wanted to not be touched and to have people squeezing my belly during the worst pain I've ever felt drove me insane.
During the delivery, there were about 4 or 5 nurses in the room along with a midwife in training, who wanted to observe. It was a full house. The one nurse I will never forget sat on the end of my bed screaming words of encouragement the whole time. I will remember her voice forever, yelling "Come on girl, push your baby out, come on!". If I wasn't in intense pain, I would have found it funny.
At 4:44pm on December 4th, 2012, we welcomed to the world Kieran Oliver. They put him on my chest, skin against skin, and my first thought was that he was the softest thing I'd ever felt. His skin was so soft and smooth, it was like touching something liquid. He was so new, so tiny, and all mine.
Living Apart
We sold our house and bought a new one finally but the closing dates would be 6 weeks apart from each other. We would be in limbo. Sean was still working long hours and since my sister lives in Toronto, he was offered a bed there. Since I was still working in Niagara Falls, the plan was for me to stay with my parents in St. Catharines. We would live apart during the week and meet up for the weekends. It wasn't ideal, but it would work temporarily.
Sean moved in with my sister and brother-in-law in Toronto. He was able to walk to the Go Station and it was only one stop away from his work. By the time he got back to their place after work, they would be on their way to bed, if not in bed already and he had the run of the house. He was living the bachelor life that he had never experienced and it was probably good for him since in about 5 months he would be living an entirely different life. I moved in with my parents, into the spare room that was once my bedroom.
Moving back in with my parents after living on my own for over 8 years was not as difficult as I thought. I really enjoyed being able to hang out with my parents and their dog and just take some time in the summer to relax. I didn't have to clean or cook or worry about a mortgage. If Sean were living with me, it would have really been quite perfect. But, he wasn't living in the same city, let alone the same house. He was living in Toronto and no longer working long hours. What the hell? The last few months of living together he was only home to sleep and then had to head off to work again, but once he's 15 minutes from work overtime is cut back? Just my luck.
Our New Life
We moved into our new house with the immense help of our friends. It would have been a nightmare had it not been for them. But, luckily, tons of people came out to lend their hands. The former owners left us with a pile of garbage, a ton of "furniture" that they didn't want and other miscellaneous things. It was annoying. They also left us with a dishwasher that didn't work. And still doesn't. They are supposed to fix it but I have really lost all faith in that possibility.
tion , they would be on their way to bed, if not in bed already and he had the run of the
The unpacking, painting and organizing has taken some time. We are almost done with settling into this house and soon we will be sharing it with a new member of our family.
...
I started writing this post a long time ago and am just now getting back to finishing it so I can publish it.
Pregnancy
My due date is officially here and it seems as though I have no signs of going into labour any time soon. I'm hoping this all happens on its own but if I don't have this baby by next week, my doctor will be talking about induction.
I have enjoyed being pregnant immensely. The first 4 months were rough, but I can hardly remember it now. I was throwing up constantly. If I wasn't throwing up, I was sleeping. It worked out well that Sean was commuting and working long hours by this time. He didn't have to see me in such a gross state and I didn't have to feel like I was missing anything if I came home from work, puked and then slept for 4 hours. Aside from the rocky start, the rest of this pregnancy has been easy. I haven't had cravings or aversions, I haven't been "eating for 2", I have lots of energy, I am keeping busy and other than the distended belly, you wouldn't know I was even pregnant.
I feel as though I'm as ready as I will ever be to have a baby. That isn't to say I'm completely prepared but just that I doubt anyone feels so confident with their first child that they would say they are 100% ready. I have the nursery stocked, I've read all the books I could read and I have a clean house. Let's do this thing.
Trying to order a pizza last night I had a huge urge to Ghost Dad the twit on the other end of the phone by crawling throught the phone to punch her in the face.
Me: I'd like to order a pizza for pick up.
Her: What type wold you like?
Me: Can I get a medium pizza with -
Her (interrupting): What TYPE would you like?
Me: What do you mean by "type"?
Her: What TYPE do you want?
Me: Can I ask for specific toppings? I'd like mushroom -
Her (interrupting again): What type do you WANT?
Me: I'm sorry, I don't understand what you mean by "type". Can you explain? Can I not order specific toppings? If not, I'll take a vegetarian.
Her: I mean, what TYPE do you WANT.
Me: Can you explain with more than just repeating the question?
Her: Supreme. Canadian. Pepperoni.
Me: So I can't pick toppings? I have to pick one of these specific pizzas?
Her: Yes.
Me: Alright, nevermind then.
I have mixed feelings about having a baby. This may seem upsetting to admit when coming to the end of my seventh month of pregnancy, but I’ve been assured that my doubts are completely normal. My feelings swing from excitement to terror and back again. I am most excited to see Sean as a father. I know he will be an amazing dad and I know it will make my heart burst wide open to see him holding his son. The doubts and terror come from my end of the deal. Am I ready to be a mother? Can I be a mother? I get very discouraged by something if I am not THE BEST at it. I like to try different things but if I am not the most professional, most talented or bestest at a job or task or challenge, then I give up (see: cake decorating, knitting, archaeology).
Everything happened at once. Sean got a new job, we found out I was pregnant and then we sold our house. Each of those separately is a huge change to make in your life, so all of it together felt overwhelming.
The Job
Sean started his commute to Toronto at the same time as starting on a new project at his new job which lead to long hours. He was working 12 hour days and had a commute on top of it which meant that he would come home from work, fall into bed and then get up to start it all over again the next day. We were not spending much time together and it was very difficult for me. One of the main reasons that we moved in together over 8 years ago was due to his long work hours and the lack of time we would get together. At least by living together you get to spend all the little in between times together and they add up to feel like something meaningful. But now, here we were, 8 years later and married and I was feeling like I had a roommate more than a partner. Add to that the fact that I found out that I am pregnant. Not only was I stressed out about how much Sean had to work and drive, but I was worrying about having to go through this whole pregnancy without him around. It was decided. We would move closer to his work and I would commute instead. My hours are regular and I would commuting in the opposite direction than most people so traffic would not be an issue.
The Move
We started to have a look around in the Greater Toronto Area (GTA) and put our house up for sale. We needed a place that would be large enough to fit us, our stuff and now our growing family. We also needed it to not break the bank since I would be going on maternity leave and making 55% of my wages for about a year. Most importantly, we needed to find a place that allowed Sean to cut his commute significantly. We started our search and soon found out that the real estate market in the GTA is very different from the Niagara Region.
In Niagara, you can look for a house, him and haw about it, return to it for a few more viewings and then put an offer in on it knowing you have a lot of wiggle room for negotiations. In the GTA and Toronto, however, the market is not as kind to buyers. If you see a house that is in your price range, needs some (or even many) improvements but is in a great location, make an offer. If you have to think about it, you will lose it. That is what we found out on 3 separate occasions. It is very disheartening to finally decide that this is the place where you will raise your child, picturing yourself in the kitchen making dinner, envisioning the nursery, and then you put in an offer only to find out that you are one of many offers. Or worse, in the time you took to go get an offer drafted up or even if you took time to “think on it”, it sold. In a many offer situation, you have to go in at the very least at full asking price. A great deal of these situations result in bidding wars. There were a few times that we would see a house on the new listings for that day that we loved, ask to go see it and by the time our realtor set up an appointment for later that same day, it would be sold.
When we realized how quick we had to move on the purchase of a house, we decided that we needed to sell our house first. We couldn’t risk having to carry two mortgages if we found a place but had not sold our house yet. We listed our house in Thorold and ended up selling it within the week. We thought this would work out to our favour, and it would have if we had found a house just as quickly. It was not for lack of trying. It got to a point where I was driving up to Toronto every day after work to look at houses. We would see 6 or 7 in a night. In the end, I was seeing the houses on my own since Sean had to work late and then I would pick the ones he needed to see that Friday night or Saturday morning.
After losing so many houses, we couldn’t help but start feeling a sense of desperation. We would have to be out of our house by the end of July and it was already late May. We went into the bid on the house we ending up purchasing feeling that if we left that night to go back to Thorold without a house again we would be done looking for a house entirely. I was over it. We both were. And that is not the mindset that you need to have when you are trying to be objective about negotiating the purchase of a house.
The owners believed their house was worth well over the actual value of the house. I’m sure that there is some sentimentality that is added to the expected value when you have lived in a place as long as they lived there. As buyers, however, we were able to see the flaws that they had turned a blind eye to - or even came to accept - long ago. We sat in our car at the curb, listening to the Stanley Cup playoff game, waiting for our realtor to emerge from the house. He would drop the offer off, briefly explain our reasoning and then he would join us in the car, listening to the game and waiting. I would start trying to justify going up in price out loud. And then I would flip flop and start trying to see if other places that we liked but didn’t love were still available. It went on like this for hours until finally we reached an agreement. We would pay more than we wanted to and take possession later than we wanted to and they would agree. I say it like this now, but at the time it was really our best and possibly only option.
We would get possession of the house on the last day of August which gave us about 6 weeks to be homeless. Plan B was in effect. We would move all of our items into Mini Pods (storage space on wheels), store our belongings on their site until move day and then have those storage pods dropped off at the new place 6 weeks later to unload. We just had to figure out our living situation and then wait to be homeowners again.
Next post: living apart, moving into a new life
@kellyoxford Anyone who says 'I'm a bitch before I get my coffee' is a bitch after they get their coffee too.
@PFTompkins The gym: When old folks next to me use a machine for 2 minutes & leave, it's a struggle to not call after them, "Yeah, that oughtta do it."
@kdn13 My most anxious moment at the grocery store is when I tear off two bananas from a large bunch.
@friedmanjon Whenever someone tells me "It's never too late" it makes me feel good about doing it later.
@juliussharpe Idea - Save energy by switching from an electric chair to a solar chair. Executions we can feel good about!!